Loss and Gain

When I compare
What I have lost with what I have gained,
What I have missed with what attained,
Little room do I find for pride

I am aware
How many days have been idly spent?
How like an arrow the good intent
Has fallen short or been turned aside

But who shall dare
To measure loss and gain in this wise?
Defeat may be victory in disguise
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.

-Longfellow


I'm certainly not at 'my lowest ebb'
but I like the flow of these words.
Love poems that wrap around and contradict themselves

I found this while I was reflecting on what I have
it is certainly more than what I've lost.

and... in relfection some of the best times of my life were times when I was idle

must we be productive every moment?

Storage Tip #2

Don’t be passive:

These are things you should know:

1. What is the billing cycle for your storage unit? Does your employer pay an entire year in advance? Will they pay quarterly? Monthly?
2. When will the storage unit send out the bill?
3. When is the next bill due?
4. When was the last bill paid?

You don’t know do you???!!!!

I didn’t either.

Here’s what you can do.

1. Find out who will send the bill from the storage unit and at what cycle.
2. Find out who is paying from your employer.
3. Call after each billing period (once a month, once a quarter) just to make sure the bill was paid. Put a sticker on your phone, a memo on your e-calendar, an alarm on your cell phone – whatever works!
4. If there is a lot of turnover with your employer –arrange to pay yourself and get reimbursed later (hey, it’s better than losing your stuff, right??)

Make it a habit to just do it. Think about it one little international phone call every month or three could save you a great big investigation (and a little bit of heartbreak)!

The list continues 181 -190

181. Our wedding memorabilia

182. Letters from my grandmother

183. A letter that Rick sent me in college

184. Jewelry boxes

185. Christmas dishes

186. Filing cabinet

187. Alexandria’s ice cream maker

188. Arts and craft stuff

189. My miniature box (shadow box) and the miniatures

190. The bible given to me on my confirmation

Plates

Above is the photo of the collectible plate Grandpa gave me and Kelli. Obviously I didn’t have to look this one up on the google pictures or search it on e-bay because Kelli had hers and I just photographed it.

But it got me thinking about plates. I’m not one of those collect plates and hang them on the wall people. And really I don’t have anything that I collect passionately (except as I just noticed old stuff from my family and Terry’s family!)

But I like plates. I’m drawn to strange shapes like square plates for dessert plates and rectangular platters instead of oblong ones.

And if I find a collectible plate that I like I’ll buy it and use if as a plate. I have three in my sidebar right now that have the little hook holder thing on the back. One is a big black and white one from Wuerzberg, another is from some city I’ve never been to near Prague, and the last is a tiny blue plate with a bird on them. All were purchased second hand. And it makes me wonder (for the first time) –did they once hang on someone’s wall? Were they part of a collection – a city plate collection, a bird plate collection? Were they searched out? Ordered by catalogue? Purchased with monthly payments?

Another risk of remembering is more remembering. I didn’t originally remember this on the list but I had another plate in that storage unit. It was one I never hung up. It was just tucked away with our wedding stuff.

Terry and I were married in the tiny town of Warrenton, Oregon. We picked the church because it was on the coast and available on the date we wanted to get married. It turned out the day we were married the church was celebrating a big anniversary – 150 years or something and they were selling commemorative plates. So we paid around $17.00 for a plate with a picture of the church we were married in and our wedding date on it. So cool.

Now I wonder… did that that plate get sold somewhere secondhand? Is someone using it as a serving dish?

The List Continues... 171- 180

171 . Precious old clothes… baby outfits worn by me as a newborn the Mom brought to me when Alexandria was born. I shared them with Alexandria and Samantha too. (I will try to post pics)

172 . Photos from when Terry and I were dating and the first 7 years of our marriage (before Alexandria was born)

173 . Terry’s collection of antique alcohol bottles including a few great big ones – a three foot tall bourbon bottle on a swinging stand, another triangle one on a brass stand…many smaller ones.

174 . Coins I collected as a kid – silver dollars, half dollars, wheat pennies

175 . The newspaper article from the Chinese newspaper a photo of me and Alexandria with the caption “Ambassadors for Peace.”

176 . My old address books

177 . A lambs wool baby blanket

178 . The Santa Clause tree topper we bought in Savannah

179 . Alexandria’s rock and shell collections

180 . Set-list from concerts I attended in Atlanta

Memories (or not!)

It is really funny the things we remember and forget.

Terry asked me if I was sad to have lost the cookie jar shaped as a kitten.

I don’t remember owning one –or any cookie jar, ever! But, I always look at cookie jars. I mean, I have to plan ahead. I intend to be a grandma someday! I do think homes that have cookie jars are just, well cozy!

We make cookies a lot. They just don’t last long enough to really justify a cookie jar.

Nonetheless, Terry remembers a blue cat-shaped cookie jar. Moreover he remembers it was very important to me. I had to have it. I couldn’t live without it.

I got that line from my Granddad who loved to shop. I’m not much of a shopper, but he loved to wander the stores. He always talked me into going into the next shop by saying, “Hey, you never know, there just might be something in there you can’t live without.”

I’d counter that there really wasn’t anything I couldn’t live without (Ha! I’m discovering that right now, aren’t I?)

And he’d say, “Well there might be something I can’t live without.” And on we’d go into another store.

Apparently once in my life I wanted a blue kitten cookie jar and Terry bought it for me. Maybe if I’d had a chance to see it again, I might remember it.

Terry’s descriptions aren’t helping. “Don’t you remember? Its head came off!”

Ummm…. No.

Not all of it was precious 151-170

I realize not everything in the storage unit was wonderful, or even memorable. There was just a lot of regular household stuff and probably more than enough junk –stuff we didn’t have time to go through and toss. On that note, the list continues...

151. Plastic golf toys

152. Wooden blocks

153. Beach toys – blow up rafts, a GIANT shark, sand molds, buckets shovels

154. A tiny electric sweeper that I let Alexandria use (and pretend it was her REAL vacuum)

155. Winnie the Pooh pillow

156. Rubber seagull toy

157. Glow worm

158. Plastic chairs

159. Rocking horse

160. Baby plates (including the cool ones with the suction on the bottom)

161. Baby spoons and forks

162. Plastic characters – Winnie the pooh’s birthday and their furniture

163. Fun meal toys

164. Magazines – National Geographic Traveler and Gourmet

165. Baking sheets

166. Kit to make friendship bracelets

167. Plastic and wooden fruit and vegetables for toy kitchn

168. Mrs. Potato Head

169. An abundance of sippy cups

170. A really scary sleeping Easter Bunny toy. He was the size of a two year old and pink and furry and he snored, and spoke, and sang and genuinely freaked me out.

The List Continues 141 - 150

141. The gas range that was our ‘stove top’ in China and we took with us on camping trips in the US.

142. The Coleman portable grill I won in a golf tournament

143. Two woks – one of which was REALLY great (and heavy! We spent a lot of yuan shipping it to the US from China

144. Bamboo steamers many sizes

145. Buffalo nickels I got as a kid –some where cut out

146. A marble rolling pin

147. My childhood dresser (walnut), matching bookshelf and hutch

148. The letter Terry wrote me when we were dating –insisting he could miss me even if we were apart less than 30 minutes (breaking my rule)

149. “Baby’s first Christmas” ornaments for Alexandria and Samantha

150. Sketches of me and Kelli with cats when we were kids drawn by Jon Lopez

Memory - Item #60 - Ceramic Christmas Village handmade by my mom

My parents were always socializing, but something changed when Kelli and I became teenagers. We found they were staying at home, watching TV and eating popcorn almost every night. Our friends noticed the same problem with their parents. It was like some sort of neighborhood watch turned against us kids --- a teenager watch.

But my Mom’s not they type to sit still for long. She scheduled a weekly ceramics class (only a block or so from home) and returned home with boxes of ceramic molds in various stages of metamorphosis.
And night-by-night she evened the edges, scraped, molded, defined and colored her creations.

A couple of years before we left the country she gave me her handmade Christmas village. Our last Christmas in the US, Alexandria was three and she helped me set each piece onto snowy cotton on our mantel. I showed her how my mom marked the bottom of all of her pieces with her initials DE and a smiley face. I’ll never forget Alexandria’s amazed face when I told her, “Your Grandma Donna made this village. Every piece!”
That year my parents and my aunt and uncle traveled to our home to spend Christmas. Alexandria zoomed out of the house to greet Grandma and shouting, “Our firesill! Our firesill! We have it! The village! On our firesill!” (She didn’t know the word mantle, but knew it wasn’t a windowsill!)

The home I grew up in had a large raised hearth around the fireplace where my mother displayed the Christmas village. Our mantle was narrow in comparison, but the village was still beautiful with a church in the center, Christmas tress, Santa, a small group of carolers, a toy store… she had even made a tiny black dog who looked like our family’s dog, Vicki.

My sister told me not to sweat the small stuff and that “the things you lose come back to you.” I can be optimistic at times. I looked on e-bay and did an Internet search, but I couldn’t find a Christmas village as beautiful as hers.

Empty Pictures

Funny thing is... sometimes when I'm trying to remember an item for the list, I think to myself "I have a picture of it." And for a split second, I think that I do.

Then I remember that my pictures are gone too!

The List Continues 131 - 140

131. The T-shirt my friends signed at the end of 6th grade

132. A heavy oak entertainment center that was made by a carpenter my grandfather knew.

133. A weight bench and weights

134. Many pennies and a few nickels that were flattened by the train at Greenfield Village

135. A tape of Mindy and Dustin singing camp songs

136. Floor lamps

137. Our toaster

138. Two pieces of the great wall of China

139. Mrs. Liang’s recipes

140. Chinese currency, coins and paper money – including old Foreign Exchange Certificates –FEC (FEC’s aren’t issued any more)

Mailbag

I've received wonderful comments to this blog and kind messages at the newsgroups I belong to. Here I will share my mail on the topic of THE LIST.

From Linda C:
This is terrible and heartbreaking, Angela.

I think writing about it in your blog is a good idea. It must be at least some kind of comfort, and it will be a keepsake for your kids.

So sorry,

Linda

[Thank you, Linda!]

From S.E.

Ouch!

[I agree!]

From T.C.

Angela,I am sorry to hear about your loss. It must be particularly hard in that it was unexpected. I think the list is a good way to remember what you had, but more why it was important.

[That's exactly it!!!]

From Cathy;

I am so sorry to hear about this; it makes me sad to think of losing the pictures and keepsakes. I know it is just "stuff", but it is stuff full of memories. Don't give up hope though. You never know what might return to you. A friend of mine dropped her memory stick from her digital camera when she was changing it while we were camping. She was sure it was gone (in the woods, not labeled with a name or address, etc) and she was sad because it held some very meaningful pictures from that trip. Three years later she receives it in the mail with a note from a man who just happened to see it (three years later) and he was a retired police detective; he was able to find their name and address by a trailer license plate that was in the background on one of the pictures. So you never know.

[Great story!!!]

Angela,

Your lists are wonderful - you have a fantastic memory.

Was this a storage unit in the States or abroad? I know it's not the point, but it really bothers me more if it was in the States. (I don't know why. Unfounded expectations, I suppose.)

Keep writing!

-K

[I'm glad you like The List. Our storage unit was in the US near where we used to live]

Oh Angela! I'm so sorry to hear about your big loss!!! Your blog is truly lovely, a printed lemonade artwork made from the rinds of missing lemons. Hope the most important things lost find their way home to you soon. HUGS!! Emily

[Thanks Emily and thanks for linking to this blog!]

Angela,

I'm so sorry for your loss of items you put in storage for safe-keeping. I hope and pray those responsible for taking them will be found and prosecuted. I'm glad your memories have remained. No one can take those. Keep in touch!

J. P.

[Thanks J.P. at this point I'd be happy to forgive and forget if it lead us to some of our things]

And by far the most common question in the mailbox was:

"What happened?"

The answer remains - we don't know and we're trying to find out."

I listed less than half of the e-mails received, but will continue to include more in the future.

The List Continues 121 - 130

121. Alexandria’s Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy doll

122. The tequila bottle from the time Terry ate the worm (all the A.Z.s signed it)

123. The giant gaudy gold framed photo of me and my sister with my grandpa – he had it designed to look like an oil painting. (I still have one of the prints – wallet size)

124. A sweater hand knitted for me by Grandma Ada when I was a kid

125. The magazine article Lilly wrote about our family (it was published in a Chinese magazine).

126. These huge plastic dinosaur necklaces – we had a game of hiding them from Alexandria (and she sometimes hid them from us)

127. Laundry baskets

128. The bud vases from Paula and Brad’s wedding

129. A gas lantern

130. Fondue set

Laughter

I learned that my stuff was lost while en route to see my great-aunt. No, I wasn’t talking on a cell phone while driving a car like 99.9% of America. I was the passenger.

My sister, on the other hand, operates her car like so:
Sit down, start engine, close door, shift into reverse, back up, speed dial, brake, look both ways, talk, drive.

I tease her because I love her. Also because I whipped her butt racing motorcycles (at the arcade) – even though we were sitting on the motorcycles, speeding, and leaning while zooming around on the screen it wasn’t like real driving for her without a cell phone.

I hadn’t seen my great aunt in a long time. We talked like we always do about my grandfather and all the stuff he had packed in his garages and basement. He was locally famous for collecting and held annual garage sales that were HUGE. Around April and May people would stop by his house to ask him, “When are you having your garage sale this year?” They wanted to know before they submitted their vacation requests.

My aunt stayed in one of his houses when Grandpa lived in Florida and she told of all the things she lost just because he moved things around. “There are things down in that basement that I haven’t found in years.”

As she started to mention her losses it reminded me of our things in storage. I initially thought of the photos and ‘the big stuff’ (antiques or furniture). She said, “I had a set of white bone china dishes.” And I remembered my great-grandma’s dishes.

She went on, “There were Christmas ornaments, boxes of them. Some just plain old bulbs, some blown glass, all kinds of decorations.” And I remembered my Christmas ornaments. A picture of my 3 year old self standing in front of a Christmas tree, glued onto a piece of construction paper and my mother’s Christmas village that she shaped and painted by hand.

We talked for half an hour about our memories of things lost. And every item she mentioned I had the same (or similar) loss. It was heartbreaking for me. And she… laughed.

She told me, “Believe me. You will laugh about this one day. You really will. I know you will.”

The shared misery (and source of laughter) was only a small part of our visit. My aunt Dorothy is a strong woman. She raised her daughter and four grandchildren. In her late eighties, she still baby-sits her great-grandchildren. This year she battled cancer (and won) and she also lost a grandson to a car accident.

Loss of loved ones and loss of health puts losing “stuff” in perspective. Overall the best part of the visit was her memories of family history. I never tire of hearing the stories of my Grandfather’s childhood.
My aunt is pictured above with my sis (aka 'speedy' on the right) and me. She’s wise, smart, and she made me laugh on a day when we both shared our sadness.

I think she’s right. Someday I’ll tell my grandchildren, “One time I lost a bunch of stuff and I was so upset I created a list on a blog for everyone to see.” And they’ll say, “What’s a blog, Granny?” And I’ll say, “Oh, just a low tech form of communication us folks used back in the day.”

The List Continues 111 - 120

111. Punch bowl and glasses (wedding gift)

112. Red wagon that Tracey bought for Alexandria

113. Our telephone and answering machine

114. Kiddie Pool

115. Turtle sandbox

116. Many Christmas lights

117. Garland

118. My costume jewelry (including a silver lizard pin)

119. A big gas grill

120. Mint coins that Mike got for Alexandria and Samantha (from the year they were born)

Storage Tip Number 1

I realize that we are partially responsible for this loss and I plan to include tips on this blog that might help someone else prevent such a loss.

The truth is I took a lot for granted. The companies responsible for paying for our storage are international corporations. They have history of moving people around the globe and taking care of the details – like storage.

We still don’t know if it was an accounting mix-up or actual theft that led to the loss (investigation is underway). But, in hindsight, I was pretty naïve to just blindly trust an unknown unnamed person in AP somewhere with the security of our things.

My sister enlightened me to the fact that things can go wrong. She at one time worked for a national builder of new homes at one of their show homes. She said, “Someone in accounts payable left and the phone got shut off. The company had money to pay the bill. What company that is selling houses worth hundreds of thousands of dollars and has paid thousands in advertising to promote their homes and their phone number WANTS the phone shut off? The phone company sent notices. I tried to prevent it. But there was no one taking care of things at corporate.”

Storage Tip Number 1: Befriend the AP person responsible for paying your storage bill. This goes beyond knowing the bill cycle and checking to see if the bill was in fact paid each month, quarter or year. Notice the first word in the tip – BEFRIEND. If someone is your friend you know their name, phone number, e-mail, birthday. You know if they have pets. We are beyond e-mail and phone 101, here. I’m not suggesting you pick up the phone, hunt down the person, and ask them a list of questions. Start small – send e-mails to check on your storage. Be polite, respectful, friendly. And most important, keep in touch regularly.

St Martin’s Festival

Today we celebrated St. Martin’s festival at my daughters' school.

For readers who have never experienced a lantern walk it goes something like this:
Students (K – grade 3 or so) make lanterns in class or at home
Gather at the school at dusk or after dark
Light lanterns – yes real fire
(some kids even have lit torches like St. Martin's sword)
Live music
Wander through town or forest (here we do forest and fields)
Singing traditional songs for the day and songs about lanterns
Gather at bonfire
More singing
Drink tea, eat bread, or other treats
Play of St. Martin
Fini

It was during the whole eating, drinking, standing around the bonfire talking that I began to feel okay about this whole process of losing our things. I think singing in the dark is therapeutic especially if you’re singing with a large group of people and even more so if enthusiastic kids are part of the group. The whole idea of St. Martin is that he gave half of his cloak to a starving, freezing beggar on a cold winter night. And St. Martin’s fest is about bringing light (good deeds & social interaction) into a time of darkness (winter, less hours of daylight, more seclusion).

I didn’t have my camera and I often think I’m a better photographer without one. [The best pictures are the ones you never take]. I studied the scene as a photographer capturing the photos I would have taken. In my mind, I recorded the children close to the fire, red cheeked and bundled up and the tiny two-year-old reaching into the bread sack. I memorized the crowd of people singing and realized, “I can bring my camera next year.”

Because it isn’t what we HAVE that provides memories but the things we DO.

My children will remember St. Martin’s fest because we’ve celebrated it nearly every year since my oldest was 3. They will remember the songs because we sing them every year. They already know how to make three kinds of lanterns because we make them every year.

Tradition goes beyond belongings. And I hope with time spent honoring tradition that my children will welcome winter’s darkness and remember that it is a time to share, socialize –bring light, if you will - even if there comes a time when we live in a community that doesn’t celebrate St. Martin’s Day.

The List Continues 101 - 110

101. The Santa through time figurines that Rodney gave me.

102. The cool silver lamp with six giant glass bulbs (was my Mom’s)

103. Alexandria’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle piggy bank (Rafel, my favorite Ninja Turtle!)

104. A wood sculpture of a PT holding a goniometer that my parents bought for me at an art fair.

105. Painted fans that we bought in China

106. Lots of Legos!

107. Sprinklers

108. Soaker hoses for the big veggie garden we had

109. A magna doodle

110. Almost all of my jewelry

My First Poem

All of my poems were in that storage unit. I remember my first poem that I wrote in first grade. We were assigned a topic – water. My teacher encouraged us to call out words associated with water and she wrote them on the board. Then she made a poem with them. She told us, “And that’s how you write a poem. You just put the words together.”

The class scribbled away. But I was stuck. No, not my first writers block, it was different. I didn’t want to use the words on the board. I wanted to use my own words. With the teacher’s permission, I did.

Here’s my first ever poem:

Water

Water dripping
Water dropping
Water swirls
And water twirls
Water is beautiful
Water is powerful
Water is fun

I still have the memory. I still know the words. Why do I wish I still had the fancy paper with tick lines made with my ruler and great big eraser marks?

The List reaches ONE HUNDRED!!!!

91. Alexandria’s pumpkin costume

92. The Elmo baby stroller

93. A wooden corner cabinet

94. My grandmother’s white wicker purse

95. Garden hoses and attachments and sprinklers

96. Terry’s office chair that we gave to him on Father’s Day

97. My skinny (size 6) clothes

98. Alexandria’s Mickey Mouse backpack given to her by Terry’s students in China

99. A wooden rocking chair (I rocked and nursed the girls in that chair)

100. Yi Xing teapots – some we purchased and some that were gifts

The List Continues 81 - 90

81. Terry’s boxes and boxes of comic books, all in their protective bags, categorized by title and number. Including about a dozen prized ones signed by the artists.

82. A set of silverware with a custom case given to us by my grandfather.

83. Our big jugs for making wine

84. A brass clock with a glass dome cover

85. The footlocker that I covered in beads

86. Pots and pans

87. Two ten-speed bikes

88. A baby mobile

89. A black folding card table

90. The marionette puppet Tracey bought for Alexandria

Loss

I learned a lot from my grandparents, the way they lived and the things they said. My grandmother had a standard line for certain 'tragedies.'If it was spilt milk or juice she'd smile and say "Aren't we lucky. Everyone wishes they were rich enough to wash their floor with milk" (0r juice - or homemade chocolate sauce... whatever spilled!)

And when she lost something she'd say, "I hope someone who needed it more than I do has found it." She even said this once when she lost $20.00. Twenty WHOLE dollars - a fortune to my five-year old self.

I try to do the same. Really. But before it's always been on a small scale - favorite sunglasses stolen out of my car. "I hope whoever took them needed them more than I." A favorite pen that I left at the library and was missing when I got back, "I hope whoever found it enjoys it as much as I did."

But this time...it isn't so easy. I picture someone going through our stuff. Tossing out the things they consider unworthy - photos, personal letters.

Okay, enough of those thoughts.

No memory to share today. But a friend told me that this blog reminder her of a poem by Elizabeth Bishop and I'm honored. So, I'm sharing the link to the poem ONE ART
http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15212

The list continues 61 - 80

61. Cards and letters from Grandpa Kelly

62. A piece of the wall from my childhood bedroom

63. Picture frames

64. Some alarm clocks

65. A bunch of hangers

66. A queen-size mattress, box springs and bed frame from guest bedroom

67. Two Japanese prints given to us by Ober Tyus

68. White baby bassinette

69. Walnut baby changing table

70. Samantha’s bouncy seat

71. Our wedding cake serving set – knife and cake server engraved with our names and wedding date.

72. The guest book from our wedding

73. Bookshelves

74. Holiday crafts handmade by Terry’s grandmother

75. T-shirts

76. 2 Tae Kwon Do uniforms + belts

77. Patio furniture

78. My high school yearbooks

79. 2 pairs of leather gloves lined with fur that grandma gave me (too small for me)

80. A vintage silver tray, brush, and comb set

Am I a great big stuff hog?

The first night I started writing the list I was up past 1am and had over 200 items listed. But when I read them over, I felt like the biggest mooch in the world – Grandpa’s this, Great-grandma’s that… handmade things from our great-grandparents, Terry’s grandmother, my mother’s ceramic Christmas village. Was I the family mooch? Am I a great big stuff hog? I remembered my Mom brining me a trailer crammed with things when she moved – she hauled it from Michigan to Georgia. “It was on the way,” she insisted. They were en route to Florida. Still I remember Mom’s phone calls every time she cleaned out, moved, or got rid of stuff. She would say, “I wish you lived closer. I know you would take this.”

I confronted my sister and asked her if I was the biggest family mooch of all. She told me, “No, you’re just the sentimental one. You’re the one who cares about that kind of stuff.”

Also, I’m the one whose home has never had a color scheme and who generally likes old, used, and well loved things. And… okay, I’ll admit it – I like a good deal!

Still, looking over the list I can’t help but regret that so much of the family stuff ended up with me and in that storage unit!

The List Continues 51 - 60

51. The video Terry made for me the first summer we were dating

52. Alexandria’s Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy dolls

53. A wooden pencil holder given to me by Dr. Steiger when I was accepted to graduate school

54. A bottle of blackberry wine that David made (we were aging it!)

55. A giant ‘Call us before you buy a house here’ sign that Terry made when we were having problems with our builder (note the problems were speedily resolved!)

56. Puppets

57. Antique flat irons (like the one pictured above) used by my great grandma

58. Two bubble mowers (kids plastic toy lawnmowers that spit out bubbles galore)

59. Terry’s paintings from art class

60. Ceramic Christmas Village made by my mom (they have her signature smiley face and initials on the bottom of each piece)

Memory: item #38 a matchbook signed by Vinx

Terry took me to see Vinx with a bunch of other performers –Stuart Copeland sponsored various rhythmic / percussionists and they had this awesome performance, but Vinx was the only vocalists. He blew me away. Well, let’s say he made me hot. Terry thought I was nuts when I tried to get him to take me out to the car (jk). But I did go to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face during intermission. I didn’t try to get the set list, or talk to anyone or anything. I just left there in a daze and happy to be with Terry. Vinx’s voice was intoxicating!

Fast forward one or two summers. I’m very pregnant with Alexandria. We went to Music Midtown a few days before she was born.

Vinx performed and it was just such a great venue. There was a small crowd gathered after his performance, but he wasn’t coming out to talk to us. I pushed my way forward – people move aside for pregnant women. And began pounding the stage. He walked right over to me and I told him how much I loved that first performance and that I had to splash water on my face to cool off. He looked at me like I wasn’t making sense. Then this guy next to me translated my words into rock-ese --- he said something like ‘you were freaking awesome. Freaking awesome man.” And Vinx then seemed to understand and said, “Do you want me to sign something or something?”

Well ‘or something’ was out of the question, so a signature would have to do. But I had no pen, no paper. A guy standing behind me gave me his matchbook a girl dug through her purse for a pen. And Vinx signed the matchbook for me!!!

BTW if you don’t know this artist here’s his homepage: http://www.vinx.com/

The list continues 31 - 50

31. The first Christmas ornaments I made in preschool

32. Notes I exchanged with girlfriends since Jr. High

33. Our super duper vacuum cleaner

34. Cards my mother sent to me while I was in college

35. My grandfather’s stamp with his initials that he pressed into all of his official documents beside his signature

36. Alexandria’s ‘Alexandria Doll’ her first porcelain doll (given to her by her great aunt Betty) when it fell and the face smashed we glued it together and she still found it beautiful, she was so in love with it she didn’t see the cracks.

37. The paddle Terry made when rushing the Azs

38. A matchbook signed by Vinx

39. Set lists from concerts

40. Our king size four poster bed

41. Large cast iron quilt stand

43. A quilt that was made by Terry’s great-grandmother (white double wedding ring pattern) and given to us on our wedding day.

44. A quilt made by my great-grandmother that I slept under as a child at my grandmother’s house – red and blue pattern.

45. The Highlander Laser Disc I ordered for Terry in the early days of e-bay and back when I didn’t even know the difference between a laser disc and a DVD

46. My shell lamp – all the shells inside it were hand collected by my grandma Ada

47. The yard bird that was a white elephant gift –no one at the party liked it except me!

48. A birdbath

49. Our caps and gowns from Pacific

50. The tapes from our answering machine, we kept all the funny messages that Papa left for the girls

Memory - #15 Harley Davidson Outfit 3T

There were six children in my family and the year Andy gave Alexandria the Harley Davidson outfit we drew names. I don’t remember if we only exchanged gifts for the kids that year. But I do remember her opening the outfit. It was the perfect gift because it suited her – at 3 she was a mix of 100% girly girl and 100% tomboy. So a denim overall skirt with leather straps perfectly fit her style and it fit Andy’s style, too. He loved riding his bike.

The next Christmas he was ill and we all wanted to believe he would recover. He didn’t. For a couple of years after his death we didn’t exchange gifts at all. I don’t know why I don’t talk about my brother more. I guess because, even though the years have passed, it isn’t easy.

In my work I’m constantly meeting new people. If anyone asks about siblings, I usually tell them I have four sisters. Some people go on and ask, “Any brothers?” I feel guilty if I answer no and yet it is a bit psycho if I just say ‘yes’ as though he were still alive. My sisters and nieces do walkathons for cancer. I feel like I should do something – something.

I heard a speaker say at the age of 9, she learned of her uncle who had died before she was born and she felt as though she had been lied to because she didn’t know of him sooner. I don’t want to be that way with my kids. I want them to know about Andy. My Mom, aunts and Grandma made memory bears after he died (pictured above.) Andy’s memory bear is appropriately made of denim and wearing leather. I’m thankful that I still have it.

The List continues 11 - 30

11. My great-grandmother's everyday dishes from Sicily

12. A piece of the Berlin wall torn out by Udo’s hands on the day the wall fell

13. Most of my text books from physical therapy school

14. The square gold box that once contained my grandfather's ashes

15. The Harley Davidson outfit (size 3T) that Andy bought for Alexandria

16. Table linens

17. Wheelbarrow

18. Rake, garden shovel, spades, snow shovels

19. Photos from the time when Terry and I were dating

20. Filing cabinets

21. Queen size oak bedroom set

22. Vanity that Mom found for me at an estate sale

23. Antique dresser that I had since I was a child

24. Vintage clothing, many dresses, from the 1930s and 1940s

25. Samantha's baby swing

26. 2 fur coats

27. My modeling photos

28. Lawn mower, weedwacker, and edger

29. Our kits and recipes for making wine and beer

30. Norman Rockwell Plate - 'Grandpa's Treasures' that grandpa gave me (one to me and one to Kelli)

The story of this list

About two weeks ago I discovered that everything we had left in storage when we moved abroad is now gone.

Or more specifically, "long gone."

A day later I bought two blank notebooks, one to record a List of Things Lost and the other I've titled MEMORIES FOUND.

I'll share them both here as the list grows and the memories are captured.

The list begins

1. The carved cedar chest Terry brought back from China in 1989

2. My great-grandmother's writing desk

3. A blue glass vase given to me by my great-aunt
Elaine and the letter she wrote with it saying "This came from the old country, it belonged to my mother's mother. It's not valuable per se, except for the stories it could tell."

4. My viola and it's beautiful case

5. The poems I've written since I was a child -back to the age of 6!

6. Love letters

7. A magnificent red velvet cape lined with white silk

8. My old diaries

9. Alexandria and Samantha's baby keepsakes

10. The cradle that was mine and Kelli's and we refinished it for my girls